Getaway..

Ahh a reprieve.. a break, a bit of a getaway is planned.

A camping trip. A chance to be one with nature and take in all the wonders that God has given us. A chance to get away from TVs, Phones, cell phones and Yes..even people.
If I can surround myself with trees to talk to, the wind to listen to ....I will be just fine. The trees give their strength to stand tall...to bend and not break. The wind's way of breathing life into desperate lungs who haven't had the chance to BREATHE in a long time . The water that hides the life living beneath. It all speaks to my soul, helping me to put life into perspective.
Watching my kids get the greatest joy from riding their bikes as fast as they can, holding a fishing pole and reeling in the next big catch, and falling asleep with the sun because the fresh air has given them a run for their money.

Oh I can't wait!

Hello..?

Hi.. How are you ?
Ya really want to know?

Well here goes......

• Overwhelmed..overwhelmed with the harsh realities of life as a grown up, Health, Money, responsibilities, expectations
• Cheated...Cheated out of time, time to spend with my kids doing things that they want to do...Cheated out of the future that my Husband always looked forward too
• Tired...Tired of making endless phone calls trying to navigate the insurance maze of bullshit
• Sad...Sad that things are soo different
• Disappointed....disappointed in people who are old enough to pull their own weight but don't...Disappointed that I continue to forget that some people's age is greater than their IQ
• Mad...mad at myself for not sticking to MY plan...mad cause I can't find anything positive in all of this.

Oh... I'm just getting started....You still wanna know how I am?

Be careful what ya wish for...

I just don't know..?

I take pride in knowing people. Not just knowing what their favorite drink is or their favorite color, but really knowing people. I don't have hundreds of friends, I have a few really good ones. Now, at any given moment while picking the kids up from school or hanging at a sporting event can have good conversations with just about anybody. But those people aren't my "people" as I like to refer to them. You know the few people who can hear your voice on the phone and say "what's the matter?" even when you were desperately trying cover it. These people who, in that moment of weakness, you can bust out into tears just by looking at them...You know who you are.
I know my people, I know where they've been, what they've been through and most times can tell you where they are going. Because I take pride in knowing people, seeing right through them and sometimes making them see themselves.

I know my family, my sisters who are my closest friends, I know them. The things they do don't surprise me, the things they say don't surprise me because I know them. They are my blood and genetically very similar to me but we are soo very different. Our ideas, hopes, dreams similar and different. The fibers that make up who we are.....I still believe are the same. Our basic ideals and morals that make us who we are....The Same.

My friends..I know what scares them, I know what makes them happy, I trust them with all of my secrets. I know that they have my back. They are also my family........

But, and here's the but...when someone surprises me with decisions they make, actions they take and relationships that they are willing to stake.....it rattles me.

Do I know anyone? Is it fair that I feel this way? To doubt myself and to feel the hurt of doubting someone else. It's not fair.

I consider myself a fairly open minded person who is reasonable and certainly NOT STUPID. And at which time, I'm made to feel that someone is selling me a line that is just too hard to believe...I get MAD. Mad at myself for not having the courage to say...."really do you expect me to believe that" and hurt for being put into such a position not to trust ...my person.

I would do just about anything for my people. Stand up and fight, pick them up clean them off and bandage them up, provide the soapbox when needed, carry the load, fix it even when they didn't know it was broken, listen, calm them down or fire them up......

Do my people define who I am? Maybe. When I look around I define others by the people they surround themselves with...which sometimes is misleading but most of the time is right on target. But when one of my people is not the person I thought I knew, how does that change me? Redefine the dynamic which is my life.

I have worked very hard in recent years to eliminate the people, places and things in my life that do not enhance my life. And I've done a pretty good job to re-prioritize and set myself onto a road that I want to travel. I am an ALL or Nothing kinda person. I give 110 or nothing, I don't know how to do half way. Do I lower my expectations because you can't meet them? Or should you rise to the occasion if you want to be in my world? I think rise.. I value myself and my children to much to allow myself to settle for those whom don't value themselves.

I've been hurt in the process of my person "finding" themselves.
When the search is over and you find yourself....if you ever do ...will you have anybody left ? When you find your happiness will it feel good if you have destroyed someone else's even if only for awhile. None of us know how long we have....so tread wisely . Because I just don't know..If I for one will be here when it's all over. Maybe we all have to find our own happiness.

Hang On Tight!

We celebrated My son's 10th Birthday yesterday. Each birthday of each year that my children celebrate is a day that I can't help but take a look at the future as well as a look back.

Look back on the day he was born every minute etched into my memory from that day. The day I welcomed him into the world. Held him tightly and tried to take in every second because I knew then, that time continues whether you are ready or not , it just keeps ticking.

A look into the future and a countdown to even more milestones like driver's licenses, graduations, and what the future might hold. With each year they get older I can put myself into the "number" and remember it like yesterday...The double digits,The Teenage years, the friends , the relationships, the heartaches, the triumphs and the struggles. Wasn't I just 16, 19 and 23 just last week? When I think that my oldest son will be 15 in just a few months , I think ...how can that be when I'm only 25...?

All of these ages shape who you are and who you will become. The things you learn the places you see, the people you meet along the way and the pieces of your heart that you can salvage when it gets shattered.....mold and shape you. The rights and wrongs that teach you lessons that could never have be learned if not through experience.

My baby boy is 10 years old. He is wise beyond his years and teaches me new things all the time. He knows even before I do that something is bothering me and is ready to help me take it on. Recently, I was upset about some family matters and as I hung up the phone from quite and emotional call he said" Mommy what's the matter?" I said
" Oh Honey it's adult stuff that you don't need to worry about."
"But Mom, I worry about you, and I don't want you to cry"
"Honey, sometimes Moms need to cry and then we will be okay"
" But Mom, you can tell me.......Mom...I won't tell any..body"

And I'm sure he wouldn't tell because he's my biggest little hero, ready to help fix what's wrong. Maybe that's why he gives such tight hugs.

So slow down, try something new, take the road less traveled and linger on the hug just a moment longer and ENJOY!

A flash from the past ......of sorts......

My son is a Freshman in High School. Yes, I said it I have a high-schooler. I guess it's taken about half the school year for me to actually admit it.

He is adjusting well, making new friends and has recovered from his first "C" ever. He also is Wrestling for the first time. He has played organized sports since he was five and is no stranger to being on a team. Wrestling is a bit different. It's as much individual as a team sport. It's kind of like being up to Bat with a full count for the entire match. It's intense.

He wrestled at another school last week and even though he lost the "team" won. Which is a good thing. The team is a very close knit group that practice six days a week and all support one another. It was a relief to see how his teammates have accepted him and support their teammates. They refer to each other as "family".

This is also the first time I have not been permitted to watch practice . I am a bit overprotective and controlling .....I admit it.....but I like to sit quietly and scrutinize the coaches. To see how they treat the kids, their fellow coaches and to get my "feeling" for the people in charge of my kid. It's been hard for me to loose that control. But I'm dealing with it.

I was sitting in the empty High School parking lot at 9:37pm waiting for his bus to arrive, I couldn't help but feel like my Dad must have, waiting for me to arrive from some class trip or softball game.
I sat there with my parking lights on just as my Dad did every time he picked me up. It was 9:45 by the time he got back. It was late for a school night especially since his school day started before 7am. He was so tired and hungry, he had a headache.... he was pale. Oh...how.. I remember that feeling.

What did I do? I sent him there, I felt like it was all my fault. All I could do is feed him, give him an ibuprofen and wish he didn't have any homework.

I couldn't help but flash back to the way my Mom tried to repair the day's damage, with all the tools in her kit. Soup, Hot Tea maybe even a grilled cheese......or... anything I asked for. When I came home feeling like a cold wet rag with a pounding head.

I felt a helpless feeling for sending my boy out there and hoping you can fix what's hurt when he comes back. It's a whole new experience for me. The story is familiarr but the characters are changed. A whole new perspective.

Dad,
Thanks for always being there with the parking lights on, guiding me to the landing.

Mom,
Thanks for always being there ready to administer the aid necessary to bring me back to life.

Back to School Night

Yippee! It's Back to School Night! The night once a year that parents go "back to school" to visit and meet their children's teachers. The night that you rush through dinner get dressed and try to look like you are the parent who has it all together. Not to mention finding a babysitter in the middle of the week and hoping the kids don't have homework tonight. So we can go "back to school" and try to gracefully sit in a desk that is half our size, listen to the teacher so intently that so she doesn't realize where your kid's ADD came from and most of all make a good impression while trying not to wince from the pain that is running down your back side. It's hard to smile politely at the parents who you do not want to see and try to duck out of the conversations that you wished you had never made eye contact to provoke.

I must admit I used to look forward to this night...the smell of the crayons, pencils and chalk. Meeting the person responsible for your child's education. The sheer sense that between these walls great minds are molded everyday. It was down right inspirational.

But when you come to realize that sometimes, we as parents, must try to undo some of the things they learn in school. Like the "mating habits of dogs" and what "johnny" saw his older brother doing with his girlfriend.

While a few are great..... not many teachers know what their doing or have the desire to do it better. I feel lucky that I've had the pleasure of meeting only a few good ones over the last 10 years that my children have been in school. Most are adequate , some have the potential of becoming great , but few are. I am optimistic that by the time all of my boys are done High School I can add to that list of good ones who really made a difference. I do have eight more years of teachers to meet...

So wish me luck at back to school night. Wish me strength to ignore the mindless chit chat, to keep my eyes to the floor and act like "this is the most interesting 40 minute monologue about classroom rules I HAVE EVER HEARD".........

New Blog posts are a comin'

New blog posts are a comin'...... I promise. I can feel 'em brewing. As soon as I put the kids in the front door of the schoolhouse.......... I will be able to think clearly and actually get an idea out of my head and onto the screen.

So stay tuned!