Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I just don't know..?

I take pride in knowing people. Not just knowing what their favorite drink is or their favorite color, but really knowing people. I don't have hundreds of friends, I have a few really good ones. Now, at any given moment while picking the kids up from school or hanging at a sporting event can have good conversations with just about anybody. But those people aren't my "people" as I like to refer to them. You know the few people who can hear your voice on the phone and say "what's the matter?" even when you were desperately trying cover it. These people who, in that moment of weakness, you can bust out into tears just by looking at them...You know who you are.
I know my people, I know where they've been, what they've been through and most times can tell you where they are going. Because I take pride in knowing people, seeing right through them and sometimes making them see themselves.

I know my family, my sisters who are my closest friends, I know them. The things they do don't surprise me, the things they say don't surprise me because I know them. They are my blood and genetically very similar to me but we are soo very different. Our ideas, hopes, dreams similar and different. The fibers that make up who we are.....I still believe are the same. Our basic ideals and morals that make us who we are....The Same.

My friends..I know what scares them, I know what makes them happy, I trust them with all of my secrets. I know that they have my back. They are also my family........

But, and here's the but...when someone surprises me with decisions they make, actions they take and relationships that they are willing to rattles me.

Do I know anyone? Is it fair that I feel this way? To doubt myself and to feel the hurt of doubting someone else. It's not fair.

I consider myself a fairly open minded person who is reasonable and certainly NOT STUPID. And at which time, I'm made to feel that someone is selling me a line that is just too hard to believe...I get MAD. Mad at myself for not having the courage to say...."really do you expect me to believe that" and hurt for being put into such a position not to trust person.

I would do just about anything for my people. Stand up and fight, pick them up clean them off and bandage them up, provide the soapbox when needed, carry the load, fix it even when they didn't know it was broken, listen, calm them down or fire them up......

Do my people define who I am? Maybe. When I look around I define others by the people they surround themselves with...which sometimes is misleading but most of the time is right on target. But when one of my people is not the person I thought I knew, how does that change me? Redefine the dynamic which is my life.

I have worked very hard in recent years to eliminate the people, places and things in my life that do not enhance my life. And I've done a pretty good job to re-prioritize and set myself onto a road that I want to travel. I am an ALL or Nothing kinda person. I give 110 or nothing, I don't know how to do half way. Do I lower my expectations because you can't meet them? Or should you rise to the occasion if you want to be in my world? I think rise.. I value myself and my children to much to allow myself to settle for those whom don't value themselves.

I've been hurt in the process of my person "finding" themselves.
When the search is over and you find yourself....if you ever do ...will you have anybody left ? When you find your happiness will it feel good if you have destroyed someone else's even if only for awhile. None of us know how long we tread wisely . Because I just don't know..If I for one will be here when it's all over. Maybe we all have to find our own happiness.

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