Friday, November 5, 2010

Day 5

Today, I am Thankful that my boys got to spend time with my father. He took them out to breakfast and they all returned with full bellies and smiles. Thanks Dad!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

November Thankfulness

I am inspired by my sister to create a blog post for everyday of November to recognize all of the things that I am Thankful for each day. Since it is the 4th already I have a little catchin' up to do...

Numbers 1 through 4

I am Thankful for having a supportive Husband, who at times may not show is concern in the manner that I would consider to be helpful, but never the less supports me in what ever I do.

I am Thankful for good friends, the kind of friends that don't care what your wearing, the kind that are there and I mean really there when you need them and even when you don't think you need them. I am fortunate and Thankful to have a few of these friends who have become my family.

I am thankful that I have medication to take my migraine headaches away. With three boys home today on a very rainy day I can already tell that I will be needing to use this medication to be able to function today.

I am Thankful that my Husband will be fixing our Kitchen faucet today. Thankful that he has the abilities to fix it himself and save us tons of money and time.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Old Soul

Lucas has what you would call an Old Soul. A child who somehow can read the feelings that we try so desperately to hide. We hide them so that the children don't have to see the sometimes cruel realities of life. But somehow they see, they see so absolutely clearly what we hide from them and even what we have hidden from ourselves.

Lucas was having a particularly rough morning ....he wanted to leave for school but it was too early. So I said just sit down and relax for a few more minutes. Well he didn't like that idea so he stormed out of the room running right into his Father standing in the doorway. They exchanged words and Lucas was no happier than when he started. So in the car he sobs...Daddy is always mean to me, I didn't do anything wrong. So instead of explaining all of the reasons why his Daddy was not happy... I opted to try to calm him because we are now on our way to school and I can not let him into the school house this upset or else his entire day will be ruined.

He returns home from school still a bit disturbed so I told him to take this opportunity to talk to his Daddy and tell him how he feels. So, he took a seat next to me on the couch. I said "Lucas has somethings he wants to talk to you about" and that's when Luke started ....
"Dad, I always feel like you are mad at us all the time. You yell at us all the time"... Ed interrupts and begins to explain why he got mad at him in the morning.... I stopped him, Just let him tell you how he feels...
With all the power Lucas has he holds back tears....his chin crinkled and quivering he said" Dad, it's like you are mad at something all the time, it's like you are missing something in your life."
I don't know what to say........He says" I think you are missing Grand Mom all the time and you get mad cause she isn't here."
Well, I just lose it....Ed starts to tear up and we are so very speechless. What do we say? He is right and how does he do it? How does he see into your soul? He continues...
" I miss her everyday too but you can't be mad at everybody"

What a wake up call, to have your 10 year old see things that we cannot or do not want to see.

Thank you Lucas, for your unique ability to see clearly through the windows of our souls.


God, grant me the...
Serenity to accept things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that I have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

Wisdom to know the difference. That may be the biggest request that we ask for while reciting this prayer. What is wisdom? Do you have it just because you grow older. Are some born with wisdom? Do we gain wisdom by the trials and tribulations of life or are those life lessons? Is wisdom intuition? Just knowing the result without having to fail to learn it. Wisdom to know the difference. The difference between taking on responsibility that you can't handle. The difference between taking on responsibility you thought you couldn't handle but somehow pull it off.

Wisdom as defined: Wisdom often requires control of one's emotional reactions so that one's principles, reason and knowledge prevail to determine one's actions.

So... IS wisdom control..... control over one's emotions which enables them to choose the right path. The right path for the individual. Which often times does not make sense to others because they do not share the same level of wisdom or control.

Wisdom,Patience,Tolerance,Appreciation, Strength,Courage and finally Serenity.

God, grant me the serenity..............

Monday, August 16, 2010


Getting ready to take Matt for his 6th grade shot when I ask him to get his socks and shoes on.....
"Matt, did you find clean socks?"

"No, but I found a pair."
"Are they clean?"
"Cleaner that usual."

Wow, What do I say to that!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Miss you...

Today, August 5th would have been my Mother in law's Birthday. Cancer took her away from my family almost four years ago. She would be amazed at how much the boys have grown and what kind of boys they are becoming. She would be having so much fun with them now.. if she were here. I know somehow she can see them and is with them everyday.
She never got to meet Logan , she would just love hanging out with him. My boys miss her all the time and so does my husband.

I can't help but think about how things would be different if she were still here. And I can't help but realize how life is so precious and SHORT.

"If you want to hear God Laugh just tell him your plans"

Saturday, July 31, 2010

As much as I needed this weekend getaway, I'm finding it hard to keep my mind clear for more than a few minutes.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Ahh a reprieve.. a break, a bit of a getaway is planned.

A camping trip. A chance to be one with nature and take in all the wonders that God has given us. A chance to get away from TVs, Phones, cell phones and Yes..even people.
If I can surround myself with trees to talk to, the wind to listen to ....I will be just fine. The trees give their strength to stand bend and not break. The wind's way of breathing life into desperate lungs who haven't had the chance to BREATHE in a long time . The water that hides the life living beneath. It all speaks to my soul, helping me to put life into perspective.
Watching my kids get the greatest joy from riding their bikes as fast as they can, holding a fishing pole and reeling in the next big catch, and falling asleep with the sun because the fresh air has given them a run for their money.

Oh I can't wait!

Saturday, July 24, 2010


Hi.. How are you ?
Ya really want to know?

Well here goes......

  • Overwhelmed..overwhelmed with the harsh realities of life as a grown up, Health, Money, responsibilities, expectations
  • Cheated...Cheated out of time, time to spend with my kids doing things that they want to do...Cheated out of the future that my Husband always looked forward too
  • Tired...Tired of making endless phone calls trying to navigate the insurance maze of bullshit
  • Sad...Sad that things are soo different
  • Disappointed....disappointed in people who are old enough to pull their own weight but don't...Disappointed that I continue to forget that some people's age is greater than their IQ
  • Mad...mad at myself for not sticking to MY plan...mad cause I can't find anything positive in all of this.

Oh... I'm just getting started....You still wanna know how I am?

Be careful what ya wish for...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I just don't know..?

I take pride in knowing people. Not just knowing what their favorite drink is or their favorite color, but really knowing people. I don't have hundreds of friends, I have a few really good ones. Now, at any given moment while picking the kids up from school or hanging at a sporting event can have good conversations with just about anybody. But those people aren't my "people" as I like to refer to them. You know the few people who can hear your voice on the phone and say "what's the matter?" even when you were desperately trying cover it. These people who, in that moment of weakness, you can bust out into tears just by looking at them...You know who you are.
I know my people, I know where they've been, what they've been through and most times can tell you where they are going. Because I take pride in knowing people, seeing right through them and sometimes making them see themselves.

I know my family, my sisters who are my closest friends, I know them. The things they do don't surprise me, the things they say don't surprise me because I know them. They are my blood and genetically very similar to me but we are soo very different. Our ideas, hopes, dreams similar and different. The fibers that make up who we are.....I still believe are the same. Our basic ideals and morals that make us who we are....The Same.

My friends..I know what scares them, I know what makes them happy, I trust them with all of my secrets. I know that they have my back. They are also my family........

But, and here's the but...when someone surprises me with decisions they make, actions they take and relationships that they are willing to rattles me.

Do I know anyone? Is it fair that I feel this way? To doubt myself and to feel the hurt of doubting someone else. It's not fair.

I consider myself a fairly open minded person who is reasonable and certainly NOT STUPID. And at which time, I'm made to feel that someone is selling me a line that is just too hard to believe...I get MAD. Mad at myself for not having the courage to say...."really do you expect me to believe that" and hurt for being put into such a position not to trust person.

I would do just about anything for my people. Stand up and fight, pick them up clean them off and bandage them up, provide the soapbox when needed, carry the load, fix it even when they didn't know it was broken, listen, calm them down or fire them up......

Do my people define who I am? Maybe. When I look around I define others by the people they surround themselves with...which sometimes is misleading but most of the time is right on target. But when one of my people is not the person I thought I knew, how does that change me? Redefine the dynamic which is my life.

I have worked very hard in recent years to eliminate the people, places and things in my life that do not enhance my life. And I've done a pretty good job to re-prioritize and set myself onto a road that I want to travel. I am an ALL or Nothing kinda person. I give 110 or nothing, I don't know how to do half way. Do I lower my expectations because you can't meet them? Or should you rise to the occasion if you want to be in my world? I think rise.. I value myself and my children to much to allow myself to settle for those whom don't value themselves.

I've been hurt in the process of my person "finding" themselves.
When the search is over and you find yourself....if you ever do ...will you have anybody left ? When you find your happiness will it feel good if you have destroyed someone else's even if only for awhile. None of us know how long we tread wisely . Because I just don't know..If I for one will be here when it's all over. Maybe we all have to find our own happiness.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Hang On Tight!

We celebrated My son's 10th Birthday yesterday. Each birthday of each year that my children celebrate is a day that I can't help but take a look at the future as well as a look back.

Look back on the day he was born every minute etched into my memory from that day. The day I welcomed him into the world. Held him tightly and tried to take in every second because I knew then, that time continues whether you are ready or not , it just keeps ticking.

A look into the future and a countdown to even more milestones like driver's licenses, graduations, and what the future might hold. With each year they get older I can put myself into the "number" and remember it like yesterday...The double digits,The Teenage years, the friends , the relationships, the heartaches, the triumphs and the struggles. Wasn't I just 16, 19 and 23 just last week? When I think that my oldest son will be 15 in just a few months , I think can that be when I'm only 25...?

All of these ages shape who you are and who you will become. The things you learn the places you see, the people you meet along the way and the pieces of your heart that you can salvage when it gets shattered.....mold and shape you. The rights and wrongs that teach you lessons that could never have be learned if not through experience.

My baby boy is 10 years old. He is wise beyond his years and teaches me new things all the time. He knows even before I do that something is bothering me and is ready to help me take it on. Recently, I was upset about some family matters and as I hung up the phone from quite and emotional call he said" Mommy what's the matter?" I said
" Oh Honey it's adult stuff that you don't need to worry about."
"But Mom, I worry about you, and I don't want you to cry"
"Honey, sometimes Moms need to cry and then we will be okay"
" But Mom, you can tell me.......Mom...I won't tell any..body"

And I'm sure he wouldn't tell because he's my biggest little hero, ready to help fix what's wrong. Maybe that's why he gives such tight hugs.

So slow down, try something new, take the road less traveled and linger on the hug just a moment longer and ENJOY!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

A flash from the past ......of sorts......

My son is a Freshman in High School. Yes, I said it I have a high-schooler. I guess it's taken about half the school year for me to actually admit it.

He is adjusting well, making new friends and has recovered from his first "C" ever. He also is Wrestling for the first time. He has played organized sports since he was five and is no stranger to being on a team. Wrestling is a bit different. It's as much individual as a team sport. It's kind of like being up to Bat with a full count for the entire match. It's intense.

He wrestled at another school last week and even though he lost the "team" won. Which is a good thing. The team is a very close knit group that practice six days a week and all support one another. It was a relief to see how his teammates have accepted him and support their teammates. They refer to each other as "family".

This is also the first time I have not been permitted to watch practice . I am a bit overprotective and controlling .....I admit it.....but I like to sit quietly and scrutinize the coaches. To see how they treat the kids, their fellow coaches and to get my "feeling" for the people in charge of my kid. It's been hard for me to loose that control. But I'm dealing with it.

I was sitting in the empty High School parking lot at 9:37pm waiting for his bus to arrive, I couldn't help but feel like my Dad must have, waiting for me to arrive from some class trip or softball game.
I sat there with my parking lights on just as my Dad did every time he picked me up. It was 9:45 by the time he got back. It was late for a school night especially since his school day started before 7am. He was so tired and hungry, he had a headache.... he was pale. I remember that feeling.

What did I do? I sent him there, I felt like it was all my fault. All I could do is feed him, give him an ibuprofen and wish he didn't have any homework.

I couldn't help but flash back to the way my Mom tried to repair the day's damage, with all the tools in her kit. Soup, Hot Tea maybe even a grilled cheese......or... anything I asked for. When I came home feeling like a cold wet rag with a pounding head.

I felt a helpless feeling for sending my boy out there and hoping you can fix what's hurt when he comes back. It's a whole new experience for me. The story is familiarr but the characters are changed. A whole new perspective.

Thanks for always being there with the parking lights on, guiding me to the landing.

Thanks for always being there ready to administer the aid necessary to bring me back to life.